I never thought I was different… I always felt the same as everyone else, I always spoke the same language and I always did the same things. I was always the same. Sure I was sort of a strange child, but weren’t we all. When I was 7 years old I found out that I wasn’t the same as everyone else. I found out that I was a little bit different, I was and I still am, brown. I am brown, I’m black, negro, redbone, and a whole variety of other racial labels. When I was 7 years old I found out that some people people are also different, some people are bullies. I used to feel confident in my skin never conscious of my colour, until the day that someone made the impact that still affects me.

Im playing with the boys, tag to be exact. My ugly maroon sweater is chafing against my maroon and blue pinafore, it’s making my skin itch but I don’t care because I’m having too much fun! I feel my blue tie swaying back and forth underneath my neck and I can hear my ugly black clogs clunking across the green field. I see this boy ahead of me, he’s in my year group but he’s a lot bigger than the rest of us though. He’s not playing the game so I just run past him but next thing I know I’m on the ground. I can’t breathe properly and my lungs lurch to grasp as much air as they can as the dirt feels like concrete against my body. I can feel my tears cascading down my cheeks and becoming the wet dew on the grass. He kicks me repetitively, I don’t why, but he just keeps on kicking me and everywhere hurts. Some other kid joins in and now there are two feet slowly chipping away at my self-esteem. “Why”, I ask him and he snickers back “ Because… you’re black”. The only reason I get for being in this situation is because my skins different. The thing that I really don’t understand, is that he’s brown too.

 I’m sorry if this speech may sound like something you’ve heard before, such as a generic “Bullying is bad” or a  “say no to racism” lecture, but as much as those topics are important to me, I can’t stand here and talk to you about things that have been repeatedly said to us. Although, I’m not trying to hold a pity party by telling you this story, you are not my guests and if you like you can stop listening, but I want you to at least acknowledge this statement… Do not allow a negative event or a negative person affect your whole life or the way you live it.

I was bullied. I was beat up because of my skin colour and that has affected the way I am now. I constantly feel self conscious because of it, I feel like 20 million pairs of eyes are judging me and assessing the way I appear and the way I act. It has caused me to overthink absolutely everything from the way I look when I talk, to stressing about what someone irrelevant thinks of me. I encourage you to not do what I have done. Do not let someone change the way you coarse through life or the way you choose to feel about yourself and everyone else. However sometimes it can be okay to be influenced by it, it’s okay to take aspects that might actually be beneficial to you, but never let it shape and change you as a person.

My grandfather is as dark as night, he was the only black man in Oamaru for a large portion of his life. He moved to New Zealand to fulfil his dentistry dreams and to leave the conflict that was happening in Africa. In Oamaru, New Zealand he built a family. The only black family in Oamaru at that time. Heads would constantly follow Grandad’s every move as he appeared a little different to everyone else. Grandad is a very hard man and I believe he’s like this because, like me, he let people get under his skin and change the way he lives his life.

People have told me I’m the whitest black person. This hurt me, it made me feel afraid to be myself. I don’t know who i’m supposed to be because I get beat up if I’m black and it’s bad if I’m “white” , so what can I be ? Am I not allowed to be Billēa? The answer is yes, I should be allowed to be myself and other people shouldn’t be able to manipulate that.

I want all of you to be completely yourself! Do not change yourself because of outside experiences, never let someone or something alter who you are.  Let my story encourage you to learn from me, because nothing is better than being who you truly are! “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.”